Just Choose

You know what’s funny? Here I am in this beautiful world I choose to come down to. I’m here with so many blessings and people I chose to be with. I’m living in a house I chose and working with a man I chose as my boss. I drive down the street and I choose where to go. I choose when I go and how I go, I choose how to feel and choose how to act. I live in a world, especially in a country where I have the freedom to choose. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has led my family to a place where I have freedoms and the opportunity to choose; everything and anything, from my cereal to who I married. I make choices from the time the alarm goes off to the time I lay my head down on my pillow. That was the Lord’s plan for me. It was Jesus plan when he said “Here I am, send me.” I’m sure I leaped for joy when I heard of His plan to let me choose my pathway back and be free. I’m so grateful to have this gospel I chose to become converted into in my life and I don’t know where I’d be without it. But why does it seem like so many times when I have to make a decision I expect the Lord to take that agency away from me and just make those decisions for me? Why am I always begging Him to tell me which way to go and when to go and how to go?

Why is it so hard for me to make those decisions myself? Why is it that when I pray to Him with all sincerity of heart and I get no response as to which way to go but only get a confirmation that He trusts me to make the right decision? And why is it that sometimes I don’t even know what the right decision is because they are both good, and I can’t decide which is better? Why do I go back to the Lord pleading to Him to tell me what to do when I know He gave me the ability to choose? Why is it so hard to make that decision? Is it because I feel that if I make the decision I want I will be pleasing myself and not God? Or is it that I will be making the decision that won’t be good for me in the end? Or that I’m making a decision that the Lord approves but I’m too scared to act on it? What is it?

This just keeps going around and around my head all day long and I don’t know what to do or why. I don’t know which decision to make…. But I do know that no matter the decision may be, I will learn something from it; whether it’s a good, easy lesson or a hard lesson. I just think it’s funny that I so often thank the Lord for all the many blessings I have been given and I thank Him for giving me this body and this world and being given the opportunity to create a world I see fit and then I can’t help but expect the Lord to tell me what to do. It just makes me laugh when I think of how many times I do this, and how many times the simple answer I get from the Lord is, “I trust you”. And its not that I don’t want Him to trust me, it’s that I feel like a little girl and I sometimes feel inadequate to chose.

I recently heard a story about free agency and it goes something like this. One young girl asks her daddy if she can watch Jaws on Sunday night, the parent wants to say no, its Sunday we don’t watch movies but instead says, I trust you to make this decision on your own. So minutes later the little girl comes back to her father and says “please let me watch, please” and the father responds “ I never said no, you can make this decision to watch it or not” and so the girl wrestles with her mind and finally decides she is going to watch Jaws on Sunday. And she watches the whole thing and goes to bed, that night the young girl had nightmares and in the morning went to her father and told him she might have made the wrong decision the night before and that she shouldn’t have watched the movie. The little girl learned a valuable lesson and I’m sure she doesn’t watch those movies on Sunday anymore.

It’s a good lesson, it’s a good story. But what if I don’t want the Lord to tell me his trusts me to make the right decisions because what if what I think is the right decision is a bad decision? What if I don’t want to have nightmares to learn? What if I’m just like the little girl who just wants so badly for her father to just tell her yes or no? And why is it that sometimes I already know what I must do but I keep asking Him like maybe He will just change his mind and tell me to do the opposite?

Why are we like that? So conflicted?  

If you couldn’t tell I have some decisions to make… and just a little overwhelmed about a few facts about it. Is it so bad that I want someone to choose for me? Is it so bad that sometimes I’m too stubborn to see that I already know what I should do? Does anyone else feel this way or am I the only conflicted human in this planet?

If anyone needs me, I’ll be hiding under my blankets! :)